[ Lute tries so hard not to sigh. Not to scowl or roll her eyes or anything else dismissive. It's all so frustrating to the point of being heartbreaking. It would be so much easier to just call this a loss and just send Emily on her way, but she doesn't know how to say that without sounding like she's kicking her out. Loyal Emily, who is so afraid of losing Lute when all the Exorcist seems to do is push her carelessly away. Who needs a friend like that? Who wants a friend like that? She should just tell Emily to go….
But that's not what she wants. She doesn't know how to vocalize what she wants. She doesn't know what she wants. Lute just knows that, for a moment, things were okay, maybe even better than okay, and now they're not again. And how exactly the fuck is she expected to save this now? Can it be saved? How would someone more decent respond? Lute has no idea.
All her aggression slides away. This is a disaster. She never should have called Emily here.... It's not like she'd ever intended to make amends, she just.... ]
Fine. Maybe I did call you here to fight. But... [ Lute can't help it. She flinches. ] I was kind of hoping we wouldn't.
[ Lute knew it was a snowball's chance etc. that they wouldn't end up fighting. What a stupid idea. She doesn't know where that hope even came from. Certainly not any logical part of her brain. "Hoping they wouldn't fight" as if Lute knows how to do that when it comes to Emily.
The next words come out small. Uncharacteristic of Lute. She's not meeting Emily's eyes anymore. ]
I asked you here because I wanted to see my friend. After that revelation and public fighting, I didn't want you to think I was ignoring you. I thought you'd still be upset. Fuck, I was still upset.
[ Now she does sigh, but it's at herself. Lute doesn't do self-pity, but she feels weak, and she's having trouble finding the words for what she means. She half wishes Emily would leave so she can process whatever this is without an audience. But the other half doesn't feel right about leaving things this way. She just doesn't know what to say next, so she doesn't say anything else. Better an awkward, torturous silence than saying the wrong thing again. ]
[To say Lute is confusing is an understatement. She's a bunch of contradictions shoved together at most times. Yet Emily isn't really surprised by this. Sure, she's a military woman, but she's still an angel. There was an innate goodness to her that cannot be understated. Just look at Lucifer! He's supposed to be this big and bad boogey man who ruined everything. A warning sign to other angels of what could happen if they step out of line too much. Yet he's also a massive softie and genuinely wants what's best for people. For crying out loud, he spends a great deal of his time reading to sick children and putting on plays for them.
So it makes sense that Lute is so mixed up at times. Her nature and her training keep putting themselves at odds with each other. This is sort of a dawning realization to Emily, though one she's not 100% sure of. But it does make sense. Perhaps if she keeps it in mind things between them can improve?
After a moment or two of quiet contemplation, Emily reaches her hand out toward Lute, fingers open and knuckles pointing down. A silent offer for unity.]
Your friend is here. And she always will be, for as long as you'll have her.
[ Lute gaze lifts to look at Emily's hand, still not looking all the way up to the other angel's face. Things were certainly simpler when they fought and then ignored each other. When Lute pretended to hate her. It's still confusing to Lute why they're even doing this whole "friendship" thing. It's hard because they're so different... but she doesn't want to lose it. They'd worked for it. They'd become dear to each other somehow. So she takes Emily's offered hand. ]
You're an overly trusting fool.
[ And she squeezes Emily's hand. Her words may come out cruel, but she's teasing. And she's not letting go. ]
And I'm a hurtful bitch.
[ She could add a few more descriptive words for herself, but decides to leave it at that for the moment. The weight of their argument is visibly weighing on Lute, in a different way but to a similar magnitude as it weighs on Emily. She's still not meeting her eyes. It's all so heavy, and Lute doesn't have the fight in her anymore right now. ]
For as often as we've fought before, no doubt we'll easily double that before this is over. We'll never see completely eye-to-eye. [ Emily's too kind-hearted and Lute's too mean and stubborn. ] Even though I care for you.
[ Lute's eyes go a little wide. She hadn't meant to say that last part out loud so directly. Too late now. Another sigh. They'd dug far too deep into each other tonight, even if it felt like they weren't even arguing about the same thing. It's because they still don't really understand each other, Lute thinks. She wonders if they ever will. ]
Can we...? [ What? Just stop mid-fight? Drop it with no resolution because there's no way this ends well? Because they'll never agree? She brushes her thumb against the back of Emily's hand thoughtfully. ]
I wanted to see if you were okay. Not make it worse.
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no subject
But that's not what she wants. She doesn't know how to vocalize what she wants. She doesn't know what she wants. Lute just knows that, for a moment, things were okay, maybe even better than okay, and now they're not again. And how exactly the fuck is she expected to save this now? Can it be saved? How would someone more decent respond? Lute has no idea.
All her aggression slides away. This is a disaster. She never should have called Emily here.... It's not like she'd ever intended to make amends, she just.... ]
Fine. Maybe I did call you here to fight. But... [ Lute can't help it. She flinches. ] I was kind of hoping we wouldn't.
[ Lute knew it was a snowball's chance etc. that they wouldn't end up fighting. What a stupid idea. She doesn't know where that hope even came from. Certainly not any logical part of her brain. "Hoping they wouldn't fight" as if Lute knows how to do that when it comes to Emily.
The next words come out small. Uncharacteristic of Lute. She's not meeting Emily's eyes anymore. ]
I asked you here because I wanted to see my friend. After that revelation and public fighting, I didn't want you to think I was ignoring you. I thought you'd still be upset. Fuck, I was still upset.
[ Now she does sigh, but it's at herself. Lute doesn't do self-pity, but she feels weak, and she's having trouble finding the words for what she means. She half wishes Emily would leave so she can process whatever this is without an audience. But the other half doesn't feel right about leaving things this way. She just doesn't know what to say next, so she doesn't say anything else. Better an awkward, torturous silence than saying the wrong thing again. ]
no subject
So it makes sense that Lute is so mixed up at times. Her nature and her training keep putting themselves at odds with each other. This is sort of a dawning realization to Emily, though one she's not 100% sure of. But it does make sense. Perhaps if she keeps it in mind things between them can improve?
After a moment or two of quiet contemplation, Emily reaches her hand out toward Lute, fingers open and knuckles pointing down. A silent offer for unity.]
Your friend is here. And she always will be, for as long as you'll have her.
no subject
You're an overly trusting fool.
[ And she squeezes Emily's hand. Her words may come out cruel, but she's teasing. And she's not letting go. ]
And I'm a hurtful bitch.
[ She could add a few more descriptive words for herself, but decides to leave it at that for the moment. The weight of their argument is visibly weighing on Lute, in a different way but to a similar magnitude as it weighs on Emily. She's still not meeting her eyes. It's all so heavy, and Lute doesn't have the fight in her anymore right now. ]
For as often as we've fought before, no doubt we'll easily double that before this is over. We'll never see completely eye-to-eye. [ Emily's too kind-hearted and Lute's too mean and stubborn. ] Even though I care for you.
[ Lute's eyes go a little wide. She hadn't meant to say that last part out loud so directly. Too late now. Another sigh. They'd dug far too deep into each other tonight, even if it felt like they weren't even arguing about the same thing. It's because they still don't really understand each other, Lute thinks. She wonders if they ever will. ]
Can we...? [ What? Just stop mid-fight? Drop it with no resolution because there's no way this ends well? Because they'll never agree? She brushes her thumb against the back of Emily's hand thoughtfully. ]
I wanted to see if you were okay. Not make it worse.